All the news from this week's soaps
EastEnders' Martin gets his comeuppance and while a Sarah gets between two brothers in Corrie.
00:01 25 September 2004
Philandering Martin Fowler has spent the entire week peering over his shoulder with his tiny piggy eyes, as the attentions of his unbalanced drunken conquest Sarah become evermore pressing.
He arranged to meet his puffy-faced little urchin in the club, where his attempts to let her down gently were a crashing failure. He realised the only way to get the message across was to shout really loudly, squint and point.
His unwanted belle was not happy at being told "I neva wanna see you again". So what did she do? She followed Sonia round for a day, like a clueless baby penguin in the shadow of its waddling mother. Choosing her moment, she feigned a faint in front of the van, leaving kindly Sonia to take her home and nurse her back to health.
On his return, Martin wasn't happy. After being ordered out of his house and life, the manipulative madam threatened to tell Sonia about their fling if he doesn't.
More marital strife could be found elsewhere in the Square: Minty was feeling sorry for himself after telling Sam not to marry rich and evil Andy, but to take the more dirty, sweet and all-round round option, himself.
Having struck a deal with downtrodden Billy Mitchell, the two plotted to take down Andy, but not before the seedy gangster sent some of his boys round to rough up the poor porker. Luckily Sam intervened and saved Minty's precious bacon.
The apparently 'purfick' couple are no more, as Kat decided the only way to save her relationship with Alfie was to leave. So she does. Impeccable logic.
Ian's attempts to kiss Jane were repeatedly rebuffed, as she finally snapped and revealed that she's married. So? I'm sure Ian probably still is, to at least one of his 40 exes.
Ronny, hip member of the Ferreira clan of tedium, was gutted when his attempts to get a gig failed. Again. Does he really think he's going to make the family millions by knocking out a bit of 50 Cent and Punjabi MC once a week at Angie's Den? He's not, you know.
Instead he has a bit of a drink before agreeing to give hooker-with-a-heart Sasha a lift in his cab. Cue crashing into a car and getting breathalysed. Drinking and driving = idiocy = banned and immobile DJ. Ha. Hollyoaks
A terrible time to be a teenager in Hollyoaks. Young Justin has been busted for smoking the reefer, an indictment that all and sundry believe will lead to them finding all of Chester littered with needles and crack pipes. Remember, Chester's leafy, not druggy.
Justin now has it in for his quasi-step brother Ali, who was forced to tell his father about Justin's inevitable slide on the slippery slope to smack addiction.
Elsewhere, Ellie continues to be tormented by Steph, who, bless her, is waging a war of paint-based terror on the poor widow. However, Steph's sister Debbie let the fetid cat out of the bag, when she told Dan of Steph's malicious shenanigans. Watch it Steph, he's been inside, he can handle himself. He's the Hunter. Rah.
Meanwhile, the cheeky little simian Lee proposed to childhood sweetheart Abby, and she said yes. Emmerdale
Down on the farm the feud between Rodney, Diane and Val rumbled on. That Egypt trip - how could he? Val finally snapped and gave Rodney a good slap branding the poor guy a sad old man.
It looks like the end of the road for unlucky in love Val, who tried one last time to convince Rodney - who had recovered from his slap by this point - that she loved him. He was having none of it and promptly sent her packing.
Pearl celebrated news that her son Frank is about to be released from prison. The worried mum has been trying to keep her son's jail time quiet - well, you know how villages are with gossip.
The highlight of the week was Diane's swansong. The brave barmaid pulled pints for well wishers before heading off for her potentially life-saving operation. Coronation Street
It was inevitable, and happen it did, as that heady combination of an 18th birthday party, youthful gumption and gallons of Smirnoff Ice led to greasy Jason sleeping with his brother's ex-girlfriend, Sarah.
Having returned to the Grimshaw's house (hopefully with a fistful of contraceptives in tow- Sarah's track record in this field not being tremendous), they lay in Jason's bed in post-coital/alcohol-induced sleep.
Then Todd came home, and on walking into Jason's room to see the girl he loves in the sweaty arms of his brother, he turned into a very hot Toddy indeed. Slinging Sarah out on the street, he launched a flailing attack on his builder brother, requiring their ballsy and brassy mother, Eileen, to split them up.
Todd declared he could not take any more time on the Street, and hopped it down to London.
Meanwhile, Dev met his fiancee Sunita's father, but his request for Sunita's hand in marriage was declined. Sunita later dully declared: "My family are dead to me". Then where's the inheritance, eh?
But Dev has bigger things on his mind, like his opportunity to pooh-pooh Leanne Battersby's sexual assault claims at an employment tribunal. He received something of a shock, however, when he discovered Leanne was being represented by his unhinged ex, Maya. The case was thrown out, but Maya has other plans. And they're genius.
Evidently one to hold a grudge, she trotted down to the registry office to marry an illegal immigrant under the name of Sunita Parekh. Nice one.
Weatherfield's elderly eligible bachelor Norris attended a dinner party at Rula's with Rita. Having enjoyed a reasonably pleasant dinner, the wrinklies retired to their rooms. But Norris went for a wander. And encountered a seemingly insatiable Pussy Galore. Lucky old Norris, one might think, though Rita and Norris's early and meek return from their trip suggests fun was not had by all. The horror, the horror.
Finally, Rosie started her new, terribly posh school; posh because they wear jolly lovely straw boaters. They might hunt foxes in PE, too. She confided in her friends Craig and David, whose advice was walkin' away from the school and tell her parents she was being bullied.
Dopey old Kevin was taken in by it, insisting she would return to Weatherfield the next day. Her wild-eyed mother of vicariously lived life, Sally, was not so keen on this plan, though.