DVDs in Review

Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus

Title: Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus (2009)

Release date: August 10 2009

Certificate: 15

Format: DVD

DVD RRP: £9.99

Rating: 0/5

With a name like 'Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus' you know you're in for a terrible film, but at least unlike the majority of today's stupendous action films, it doesn't attempt to disguise it. With a budget this small, how could you?

This is part of its charm. In fact, it's probably all of its charm because the script, the acting, the direction, the editing, the effects and seemingly everything else has all gone out the window.

The plot is all in the title - a massive shark and a giant octopus (who both owned the ocean many years ago before getting frozen mid-battle) are thawed out, possibly due to global warming, which is one of the subjects glossed over in the film. Another is a throwaway joke about Guantanamo Bay.

Social commentary aside, the two oceanic superpowers fight it off, munching many innocent people along the way, indiscriminately. Instead of eating whales or other big creatures of the deep, the two beasts instead focus their might on structures made primarily out of metal and petrol - an oil rig and even a mid-flight passenger jet make for some easy, nutritious meals.

The script is so bad that after the mega shark inexplicably chomps its way through the Golden Gate Bridge, one of the characters shouts that something has to be done pronto, to which one of the stars gravely responds that after such a stressful episode they should relax and visit the scenario afresh the next day. Another character actually shrugs in agreement and walks away, presumably for a quick kip, forgetting about the thousands that have just died.

Other gaffes include a reference stating that the shark can swim at 900 knots (which we are informed is faster than a fighter jet) but can be easily outrun by a mini-sub (but not a fleet of full sized military submarines). 'Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus' isn't just preposterous; it's shockingly made.

The editing is atrocious - scenes of little consequence are broken up by flashes of black and white met with whooshing sounds and quick zooms, presumably to increase the waterlogged suspense and distract from the fact that much of the footage is the same.

Later on, these ineffectual scenes will be repeated again in flashback. At least a quarter of this film depends on flashing back to scenes that happened less than 15 minutes prior. It only further highlights the naff acting and dodgy effects.

80s pop star Debbie Gibson (who has held up very well) takes a leading role as a marine biologist. She's backed up by a fiery Irishman and Shakespeare-quoting Japanese doctor, who all fight against increasingly inept and gung-ho al-American military men who seem more preoccupied with putting their own men in danger and freezing in the face of death than they are actually attacking.

Needless to say it's diabolically bad, but films so terrible hold a devoted niche market. The Oscar may go to something else, but those looking for a laugh may want to consider this before one of Hollywood's latest, and far more expensive, stabs at comedy.