"Ninety-eight per cent of laughter is nothing to do with jokes, which do not deserve to bear the weight of all the funny stuff in the world."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Arthur Smith on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Arthur Smith on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Arthur Smith on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Arthur Smith on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Arthur Smith on Elbert Hubbard
"I am 54 and age is slowly writing itself on my face."
"It was Julie Burchill who decreed that, beyond a certain age, a man should not be seen in a leather jacket."
"Reading the play at home, however fulfilling, can never be the vivacious experience that Shakespeare intended."
"It is more interesting to be compared to someone famous, because it lets you gauge what perceptions people have about your appearance."
"The history of the relationship between comedy and swimming is short indeed. Of course it is always funny when someone falls into water, but that's about it."
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