"When I was 15, my parents left town for a month. They hid the keys to the car, but I found them. That month, I drove my stepdad's Thunderbird Super Coupe into Manhattan every day, and I would crank Cypress Hill as I flew around the city, racing the taxis."
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 MPG."Danny Masterson on Bill Gates
"There was a time in my life when I thought I had everything - millions of dollars, mansions, cars, nice clothes, beautiful women, and every other materialistic thing you can imagine. Now I struggle for peace."Danny Masterson on Richard Pryor
"Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments."Danny Masterson on Erma Bombeck
"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."Danny Masterson on Steven Wright
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."Danny Masterson on Steven Wright
"Unless something real cool comes along, I will probably be doing features, so long as I can make a living doing that. Otherwise, I will do another show."
"Plenty of people are raised Catholic and then aren't Catholic anymore, like any religion."
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