"And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money."
"When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life now that I am old I know that it is."Demetri Martin on Oscar Wilde
"A little thought and a little kindness are often worth more than a great deal of money."Demetri Martin on John Ruskin
"Money has never made man happy, nor will it, there is nothing in its nature to produce happiness. The more of it one has the more one wants."Demetri Martin on Benjamin Franklin
"The lack of money is the root of all evil."Demetri Martin on Mark Twain
"Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it."Demetri Martin on Mark Twain
"I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'"
"I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'"
"I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it."
"People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy."
"I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'"
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