"Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."Erma Bombeck on Groucho Marx
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."Erma Bombeck on Groucho Marx
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."Erma Bombeck on Erma Bombeck
"They certainly give very strange names to diseases."Erma Bombeck on Plato
"Medicine is my lawful wife and literature my mistress when I get tired of one, I spend the night with the other."Erma Bombeck on Anton Chekhov
"Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub."
"Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you."
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
"Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago."
"Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments."
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