"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."
"Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas."George Carlin on Calvin Coolidge
"He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree."George Carlin on Roy L. Smith
"Maybe Christmas, the Grinch thought, doesn't come from a store."George Carlin on Dr. Seuss
"A good conscience is a continual Christmas."George Carlin on Benjamin Franklin
"Christmas, my child, is love in action. Every time we love, every time we give, it's Christmas."George Carlin on Dale Evans
"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."
"By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth."
"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."
"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time."
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
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