"Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Jeff Ross on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Jeff Ross on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Jeff Ross on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Jeff Ross on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Jeff Ross on Elbert Hubbard
"I think Jersey stands alone, and because I'm from Jersey, I never make fun of where people are from. I'll make fun of what they look like, but I'll never make fun of where they are from. Jersey is special."
"I'm a big fan of Courtney Love. I love Hole and I love her acting and I love her attitude. I just hope I never meet her in a dark alley."
"People are roasting each other at parties, at work events, around the fire. It's so fun. People are busting each other's chops, and it's a sign of affection, truly. It's a true test of love and friendship: can you make a man laugh at himself? So what makes a good burn? Go after targets you love and respect. And hit 'em hard."
"My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that stuff seeped into my brain."
"I've actually tried to roast somebody that I don't like, and it doesn't go well. Either they're a bad sport or I'm not as funny as I could be."
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