"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Joan Rivers on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Joan Rivers on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Joan Rivers on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Joan Rivers on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Joan Rivers on Elbert Hubbard
"The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found."
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on."
"I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented."
"Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you."
"The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it."
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