"I wouldn't totally rule out doing Letterman or the Tonight Show if I had a set that I just happened to write that I thought was funny but was still appropriate for network censors. But I'm not going to go out of my way."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Joe Rogan on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Joe Rogan on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Joe Rogan on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Joe Rogan on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Joe Rogan on Elbert Hubbard
"The only time I commit to conspiracy theories is when something way retarded happens. Like Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone."
"If you can lie, you can act, and if you can lie to crazy girlfriends, you can act under pressure."
"I had a sense of who I was before I got famous."
"I really feel like it's a travesty to make a child famous. I really do."
"That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard."
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