"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 MPG."Steven Wright on Bill Gates
"There was a time in my life when I thought I had everything - millions of dollars, mansions, cars, nice clothes, beautiful women, and every other materialistic thing you can imagine. Now I struggle for peace."Steven Wright on Richard Pryor
"Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments."Steven Wright on Erma Bombeck
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."Steven Wright on Steven Wright
"I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy."Steven Wright on Steven Wright
"How young can you die of old age?"
"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"
"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."
"I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy."
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