"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'"
"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."Steven Wright on Edmund Burke
"It is very important to generate a good attitude, a good heart, as much as possible. From this, happiness in both the short term and the long term for both yourself and others will come."Steven Wright on Dalai Lama
"If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed."Steven Wright on Albert Einstein
"Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart."Steven Wright on Anne Frank
"When I do good, I feel good. When I do bad, I feel bad. That's my religion."Steven Wright on Abraham Lincoln
"How young can you die of old age?"
"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"
"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."
"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."
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