"I'm always in situations where you can't be funny, and yet I want to do it anyway."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Tim Heidecker on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Tim Heidecker on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Tim Heidecker on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Tim Heidecker on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Tim Heidecker on Elbert Hubbard
"I think the great sketch shows, like 'Python' and 'Mr. Show,' they didn't stick around for very long. There's something kind of cool about that."
"My dad is a very quick-witted, sarcastic, dry, humorous guy, whereas my mom's very silly, and that side of the family is very musical."
"Most of my ideas just come out funny."
"Sometimes laughing isn't the best judge of what's funny, 'cause I think there's a lot of things that are really funny that don't make you laugh, that don't make you physically, audibly make a noise, but is something that is much more powerful than that."
"There is nothing funny about a well-adjusted, intelligent person making the right choices."
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