Sex and Relationships

Her 20-year-old daughter is bone idle

My partner of 2 years and I moved in together in August 2003, with her 2 daughters aged 16 and 20 and my two sons aged 19 and 21.

The problem I have is with her 20 yr old daughter - she is bone idle, she spends most of the day in bed and is up all night watching telly.

She is unemployed, even though she has had 4 different jobs in as many months. The other three all work and pay their way with board.

Now I have said enough is enough with this daughter's idleness and sponging and we have had a blazing row over it.

My partner said I either accept it or she leaves because she comes as a package with her daughters. I don't see why I should pay for her daughter's problems.

What is the best way to handle this problem?

I agree with you. It isn't fair that your partner's daughter is taking advantage of the rest of the family's goodwill and hard work while she gets a free ride.

I would suggest once again talking to your partner about her daughter and the effect it is having on your relationship and the entire family. Reassure your partner that you are not being critical of her parenting skills, and that you love her and her daughters and the whole family set up.

Try and make her see how nice it would be if the entire family was working. Suggest that if all the kids were out of the house then you could spend more quality time together.

Explain that you are only thinking about her daughter's welfare. For example your partner's daughter can't be happy sitting around all day watching TV while her friends and family are going out enjoying themselves and buying new clothes and goodies? I know I wouldn't be. I once did a three-month stint on the dole and it was the most demoralising and depressing time of my life.

If your partner won't cooperate why not approach her daughter? Try striking up a conversation by making an observation saying you think she does not look happy. Ask her about her hopes and dreams for the future.

If she's confused about work and what she likes to do then suggest a college course, this way at least she is getting out of the house, meeting people and gaining a qualification. If the talk fails get some college brochures and leaflets from the job centre and leave them around the house in a hope she'll get the hint.

Good luck!