"It is funny because the guy who is my boss now, Howard Stern, has a similarity there. He got big being a regular guy. He wasn't the greatest looking guy in the world."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Artie Lange on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Artie Lange on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Artie Lange on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Artie Lange on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Artie Lange on Elbert Hubbard
"Vegas means comedy, tragedy, happiness and sadness all at the same time."
"The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a limo all day. But Howard still knows how to make a plumber laugh and those guys still have him on in the morning, because he is a real talent."