"Whenever the people are for gay marriage or medical marijuana or assisted suicide, suddenly the 'will of the people' goes out the window."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."Bill Maher on Groucho Marx
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."Bill Maher on Groucho Marx
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."Bill Maher on Erma Bombeck
"They certainly give very strange names to diseases."Bill Maher on Plato
"Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it."Bill Maher on Erma Bombeck
"Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit.'"
"This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution."
"Freedom isn't free. It shouldn't be a bragging point that 'Oh, I don't get involved in politics,' as if that makes someone cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and panderers in government would have a much harder time of it if so many people didn't insist on their right to remain ignorant and blindly agreeable."
"Men are only as loyal as their options."
"Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease."