"Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit."
"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person."Billy Connolly on Mignon McLaughlin
"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."Billy Connolly on Socrates
"It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages."Billy Connolly on Friedrich Nietzsche
"How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being."Billy Connolly on Oscar Wilde
"Don't marry the person you think you can live with marry only the individual you think you can't live without."Billy Connolly on James C. Dobson
"Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on."
"Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day."
"My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger."
"I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives."
"I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be."