"My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Billy Connolly on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Billy Connolly on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Billy Connolly on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Billy Connolly on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Billy Connolly on Elbert Hubbard
"Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on."
"Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day."
"I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives."
"I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be."
"Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit."