"My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo."
"No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens."Billy Connolly on Abraham Lincoln
"I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals."Billy Connolly on Winston Churchill
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."Billy Connolly on Robert A. Heinlein
"Time spent with cats is never wasted."Billy Connolly on Sigmund Freud
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself."Billy Connolly on Josh Billings
"Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on."
"Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day."
"My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger."
"I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives."
"I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be."