"Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day."
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 MPG."Billy Connolly on Bill Gates
"There was a time in my life when I thought I had everything - millions of dollars, mansions, cars, nice clothes, beautiful women, and every other materialistic thing you can imagine. Now I struggle for peace."Billy Connolly on Richard Pryor
"Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments."Billy Connolly on Erma Bombeck
"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."Billy Connolly on Steven Wright
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."Billy Connolly on Steven Wright
"Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on."
"My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger."
"I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives."
"I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be."
"Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit."