"I've always enjoyed making people laugh. But in order for me to be funny, I have to get ticked off about something."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Carl Hiaasen on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Carl Hiaasen on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Carl Hiaasen on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Carl Hiaasen on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Carl Hiaasen on Elbert Hubbard
"One problem with age is that patience begins to ebb."
"My humour has always come from anger, but I have to make sure I don't just get angry and jump on a soapbox."
"Good satire comes from anger. It comes from a sense of injustice, that there are wrongs in the world that need to be fixed. And what better place to get that well of venom and outrage boiling than a newsroom, because you're on the front lines."
"Nobody with an IQ higher than emergency-room temperature could ever believe that 'death panels' would be appointed to nudge the elderly toward euthanasia. Yet for idle entertainment, it's hard to beat Sarah Palin's ignorant nattering on the subject."
"From my experience, politicians are much more uncomfortable being made fun of than they are being preached at and screeched at - you know, and the soapbox routine. They're much more uneasy knowing they're a target of ridicule."