"It costs a lot to sue a magazine, and it's too bad that we don't have a system where the losing team has to pay the winning team's lawyers."
"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."Carol Burnett on Steven Wright
"Collecting more taxes than is absolutely necessary is legalized robbery."Carol Burnett on Calvin Coolidge
"A successful lawsuit is the one worn by a policeman."Carol Burnett on Robert Frost
"Make crime pay. Become a lawyer."Carol Burnett on Will Rogers
"Justice in the life and conduct of the State is possible only as first it resides in the hearts and souls of the citizens."Carol Burnett on Plato
"I'm glad I was born when I was. My time was the golden age of variety. If I were starting out again now, maybe things would happen for me, but it certainly would not be on a variety show with 28 musicians, 12 dancers, two major guest stars, 50 costumes a week by Bob Mackie. The networks just wouldn't spend the money today."
"Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me."
"Words, once they are printed, have a life of their own."
"My interesting diet tips are eat early and don't nosh between meals. I mean, I can pack it away."
"You have to go through the falling down in order to learn to walk. It helps to know that you can survive it. That's an education in itself."