"Everybody's funny in different ways."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Colin Quinn on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Colin Quinn on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Colin Quinn on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Colin Quinn on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Colin Quinn on Elbert Hubbard
"The only people who like to live alone more than comics are priests."
"I feel most empires fell when they started to act human, but then look at Russia. They kept a pretty strong hand, and they fell from Afghanistan alone because Afghanistan is the graveyard of empires. I guess you just can't sustain it."
"That's the beauty of being a comedian - it's the one job you're allowed to do that. We're lucky. We're really lucky."
"He is very dry but also very funny... I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be."
"You know, the funny thing about Lorne and that show is that, you can go over one million things, but in a business of bean counters, he still likes to laugh at small things and creates a show around it."