"It's funny how most activists are pacifists."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Craig Bruce on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Craig Bruce on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Craig Bruce on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Craig Bruce on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Craig Bruce on Elbert Hubbard
"Nothing surpasses the beauty and elegance of a bad idea."
"It's hardware that makes a machine fast. It's software that makes a fast machine slow."
"Yeah, computers are going to take over the programming business because they have become so fast recently that they can solve the Halting Problem in five seconds flat."
"It's funny how social activists usually protest against the only things that have a credible chance of achieving the activists' goals."
"Fighting a war on terrorism is like fighting against crime. We can never hope to eradicate crime, so we shouldn't bother fighting it."