"I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Craig Ferguson on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Craig Ferguson on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Craig Ferguson on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Craig Ferguson on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Craig Ferguson on Elbert Hubbard
"I think that clearly it has an influence, to be coming of age during the punk rock era, to come from a difficult and sporadically violent background, to have been in and out of such chaos, I think it actually helps. But I don't know for sure."
"It's the beauty and curse of doing a daily show. Some days you've got nothing to talk about and other days Dick Cheney shoots his lawyer in the face and everyone is happy."
"It's like, it's kind of like if you ever had a car and it was a bit of a clunker but you love it, that's my show. It's a bit of a clunker but I know where everything is and I like it."
"It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure."
"Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear."