"I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Dane Cook on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Dane Cook on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Dane Cook on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Dane Cook on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Dane Cook on Elbert Hubbard
"I'm glad that my parents missed one thing that was really unbelievable. They saw me hit this great success. It was a blast and we had a lot of laughs. And it was just an amazing time. They passed away. And then after I got, you know, famous, all these haters came out of nowhere."
"Anger has a way of seeping into every other emotion and planting itself in there."
"I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up."
"Vince Vaughn is a genuine person, awesome guy. He'll come to a lot of my shows. It's not that often that you can meet someone as cool as Vince."
"My professional dreams were coming true while I was living a personal nightmare."