"I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Dave Attell on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Dave Attell on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Dave Attell on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Dave Attell on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Dave Attell on Elbert Hubbard
"For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended."
"I don't watch reality TV. I'm cool."
"I never wanted to be famous."
"I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous."
"I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on."