"A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."David Brenner on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."David Brenner on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."David Brenner on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."David Brenner on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."David Brenner on Elbert Hubbard
"When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine."