"I cannot sing, dance or act what else would I be but a talk show host."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."David Letterman on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."David Letterman on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."David Letterman on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."David Letterman on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."David Letterman on Elbert Hubbard
"There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting."
"Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees."
"There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing."
"We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets."
"Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?"