"I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."David Sedaris on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."David Sedaris on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."David Sedaris on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."David Sedaris on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."David Sedaris on Elbert Hubbard
"After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations."
"It's odd the things that people remember. Parents will arrange a birthday party, certain it will stick in your mind forever. You'll have a nice time, then two years later you'll be like, 'There was a pony there? Really? And a clown with one leg?'"
"I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out."
"My family isn't really all that different from anyone else's. Well, maybe they're a bit more entertaining."
"I tend to show everything I do to my family, to check they won't be offended."