"Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time."
"Let him who would enjoy a good future waste none of his present."Demetri Martin on Roger Babson
"The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time."Demetri Martin on Abraham Lincoln
"Lost time is never found again."Demetri Martin on Benjamin Franklin
"Patience and time do more than strength or passion."Demetri Martin on Jean de La Fontaine
"The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of 60 minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is."Demetri Martin on C. S. Lewis
"I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'"
"I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'"
"I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it."
"People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy."
"I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'"