"For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.'"
"Any woman who understands the problems of running a home will be nearer to understanding the problems of running a country."Demetri Martin on Margaret Thatcher
"A house is not a home unless it contains food and fire for the mind as well as the body."Demetri Martin on Benjamin Franklin
"Where we love is home - home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts."Demetri Martin on Oliver Wendell Holmes
"Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home."Demetri Martin on Bill Cosby
"Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in."Demetri Martin on Robert Frost
"I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'"
"I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'"
"I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it."
"People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy."
"I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'"