"I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'"
"It is strange to be known so universally and yet to be so lonely."Demetri Martin on Albert Einstein
"Alone we can do so little together we can do so much."Demetri Martin on Helen Keller
"It's often just enough to be with someone. I don't need to touch them. Not even talk. A feeling passes between you both. You're not alone."Demetri Martin on Marilyn Monroe
"Associate with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation for it is better to be alone than in bad company."Demetri Martin on George Washington
"I restore myself when I'm alone."Demetri Martin on Marilyn Monroe
"I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'"
"I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it."
"People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy."
"I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'"
"But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me."