"I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything."
"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."Demetri Martin on Edmund Burke
"It is very important to generate a good attitude, a good heart, as much as possible. From this, happiness in both the short term and the long term for both yourself and others will come."Demetri Martin on Dalai Lama
"If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed."Demetri Martin on Albert Einstein
"Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart."Demetri Martin on Anne Frank
"When I do good, I feel good. When I do bad, I feel bad. That's my religion."Demetri Martin on Abraham Lincoln
"I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'"
"I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'"
"I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it."
"People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy."
"I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'"