"I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it."
"God gave us the gift of life it is up to us to give ourselves the gift of living well."Demetri Martin on Voltaire
"The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate."Demetri Martin on Oprah Winfrey
"My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me."Demetri Martin on Jim Valvano
"I think, at a child's birth, if a mother could ask a fairy godmother to endow it with the most useful gift, that gift should be curiosity."Demetri Martin on Eleanor Roosevelt
"The greatest gift that you can give to others is the gift of unconditional love and acceptance."Demetri Martin on Brian Tracy
"I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'"
"I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'"
"People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy."
"I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'"
"But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me."