"If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!"
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Demetri Martin on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Demetri Martin on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Demetri Martin on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Demetri Martin on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Demetri Martin on Elbert Hubbard
"I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'"
"I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'"
"I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it."
"People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy."
"I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'"