"My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'"
"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning."Demetri Martin on Albert Einstein
"We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope."Demetri Martin on Martin Luther King, Jr.
"None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free."Demetri Martin on Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
"My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return."Demetri Martin on Maya Angelou
"I find hope in the darkest of days, and focus in the brightest. I do not judge the universe."Demetri Martin on Dalai Lama
"I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'"
"I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'"
"I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it."
"People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy."
"I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'"