"Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable that's survival."
"Good night, good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it be morrow."Demetri Martin on William Shakespeare
"Deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance."Demetri Martin on Oscar Wilde
"The word 'romance,' according to the dictionary, means excitement, adventure, and something extremely real. Romance should last a lifetime."Demetri Martin on Billy Graham
"A tramp, a gentleman, a poet, a dreamer, a lonely fellow, always hopeful of romance and adventure."Demetri Martin on Charlie Chaplin
"Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw."Demetri Martin on Fran Lebowitz
"I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'"
"I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'"
"I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it."
"People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy."
"I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'"