"The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly."
"Great minds discuss ideas average minds discuss events small minds discuss people."Demetri Martin on Eleanor Roosevelt
"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds."Demetri Martin on Albert Einstein
"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them."Demetri Martin on William Shakespeare
"One sees great things from the valley only small things from the peak."Demetri Martin on Gilbert K. Chesterton
"All the great things are simple, and many can be expressed in a single word: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope."Demetri Martin on Winston Churchill
"I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'"
"I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'"
"I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it."
"People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy."
"I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'"