"You can't teach somebody how to be funny. You're either funny, or you ain't."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Denis Leary on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Denis Leary on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Denis Leary on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Denis Leary on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Denis Leary on Elbert Hubbard
"Not eating meat is a decision, eating meat is an instinct."
"Jon Stewart is exactly the same guy he's always been, only with money. He knows that the moment he really believes he's important, the funny goes away and he becomes Bill O'Reilly, except shorter and Jewish."
"The things that make me angry still make me angry. George Carlin is 67, and he's still as funny as he's ever been, and he's still angry. And that makes me feel good, because I feel like if I stick around long enough, I'll still be able to work."
"I do have to say that I think that President Obama is the greatest President in the history of all of our Presidents, and that he can do no wrong in my book. So how's that for prejudice on the Democratic side?"
"I want you to take away the hope because that's the thing that's killing me."