"Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Dennis Miller on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Dennis Miller on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Dennis Miller on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Dennis Miller on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Dennis Miller on Elbert Hubbard
"What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign."
"I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life."
"The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country."
"You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R."
"The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood."