"Never put a sock in a toaster."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Eddie Izzard on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Eddie Izzard on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Eddie Izzard on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Eddie Izzard on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Eddie Izzard on Elbert Hubbard
"I'd be happy to be taken as a woman - and that's what I was initially trying to do when I started throwing on dresses and stuff. But that wasn't going to happen because everyone kept calling me sir. So I thought I'd change the method and just start wearing what I wanted to wear."
"Cats have a scam going - you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away that's the deal."
"I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from."
"I mean, sometimes... a comedian becomes an actor, and they just don't deliver, because the bottom line of comedy is to be funny, and the bottom line of acting is to be truthful, and they get that mixed up sometimes, or don't even notice that that's the thing."
"So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naive, I feel!"