"How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Emo Philips on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Emo Philips on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Emo Philips on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Emo Philips on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Emo Philips on Elbert Hubbard
"I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator."
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
"Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day."
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend."