"Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something."
"A woman is like a tea bag - you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water."Emo Philips on Eleanor Roosevelt
"I don't know who invented high heels, but all women owe him a lot."Emo Philips on Marilyn Monroe
"Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent."Emo Philips on Friedrich Nietzsche
"The age of a woman doesn't mean a thing. The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles."Emo Philips on Ralph Waldo Emerson
"As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot."Emo Philips on John Lennon
"I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator."
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
"Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day."
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
"How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand."