"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
"When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life now that I am old I know that it is."Emo Philips on Oscar Wilde
"A little thought and a little kindness are often worth more than a great deal of money."Emo Philips on John Ruskin
"Money has never made man happy, nor will it, there is nothing in its nature to produce happiness. The more of it one has the more one wants."Emo Philips on Benjamin Franklin
"The lack of money is the root of all evil."Emo Philips on Mark Twain
"Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it."Emo Philips on Mark Twain
"I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator."
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
"Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day."
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
"How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand."