"A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Erma Bombeck on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Erma Bombeck on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Erma Bombeck on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Erma Bombeck on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Erma Bombeck on Elbert Hubbard
"Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub."
"Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you."
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
"Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago."
"Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments."