"An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission."
"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."Fred Allen on Mark Twain
"The hardest thing to understand in the world is the income tax."Fred Allen on Albert Einstein
"There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work, and learning from failure."Fred Allen on Colin Powell
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all."Fred Allen on Dale Carnegie
"If there is anything that a man can do well, I say let him do it. Give him a chance."Fred Allen on Abraham Lincoln
"We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion."
"My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense."
"Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure."
"I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap."
"Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs."