"I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back."
"It might be said now that I have the best of both worlds. A Harvard education and a Yale degree."Fred Allen on John F. Kennedy
"God will not look you over for medals degrees or diplomas, but for scars."Fred Allen on Elbert Hubbard
"A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success."Fred Allen on Robert Orben
"Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated."Fred Allen on Erma Bombeck
"Knowledge is invariably a matter of degree: you cannot put your finger upon even the simplest datum and say this we know."Fred Allen on T. S. Eliot
"We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion."
"An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission."
"My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense."
"Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure."
"I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap."