"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."Fred Allen on Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."Fred Allen on Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."Fred Allen on Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."Fred Allen on Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."Fred Allen on Elbert Hubbard
"We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion."
"An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission."
"My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense."
"Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure."
"I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap."