"We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion."
"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."Fred Allen on Mark Twain
"Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty. Anyone who keeps learning stays young. The greatest thing in life is to keep your mind young."Fred Allen on Henry Ford
"Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been."Fred Allen on Mark Twain
"True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country."Fred Allen on Kurt Vonnegut
"A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age."Fred Allen on Robert Frost
"An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission."
"My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense."
"Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure."
"I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap."
"Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs."